how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
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I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.
TRUE STORY
Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.
I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing
[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
WHO KEEPS BUILDING WEBSITES FOR RESTAURANTS THAT HAVE EVERYTHING BUT THE HOURS AND MENU ???!!!!??? I DON’T CARE THE CHEF ANDY USES MIDWESTERN FLARE
“I totally didn’t say that.” – God
Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.
Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.
Son hunted 4 part of our family dinner 2night! With steady nerve & calm focus, he tracked down the hot dog buns for us at the grocery store.
God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
[kelloggs meeting]
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
a chicken
“jim is there something wrong at home?”
My coworker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota back in 1973 and didn’t try going back to it for 30 years but he finally did and the moment he stepped in someone yelled “Get the hell out of here Dennis” And that’s probably my favorite story ever
[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”
Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left
Me: oh no
Doctor: my next appointment is here
Me: ohhh jesus I thought
Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will
Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!
I used to think that ‘Gun point’ and ‘Knife point’ were real places. I’d see or hear media reports about things like; ‘man robbed at knife point’ and think ‘ooh, never want to go there, too much crime.’
Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard
My kid called me to tell me their car had a flat tire when they got to school.
Then pacified me with:
“Don’t worry mom, it’s only flat on the bottom.”We’re thinking Harvard.
[my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?
“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests
my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive
me: yeah i guess so
my enemy, ted: want to play a game
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
When I was a kid I could fall asleep literally anywhere, wake up, and be good to go. Now if I sleep on a mattress that’s slightly too soft I can’t walk for three days
ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard
HER: what mask
ME: oh
so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk
Just realized all my tweets are about my genitals . Time to change the subject.
Do you believe in aliens ?
If so , do they have genitals?