account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows
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Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.
Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?
Clerk: That’s an egg.
toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.
Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.
*People do special things for my birthday*
Me: Oh thank God.
Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-
Him: Stop singing to the mustard
Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.
I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
*laughing* I bought a baby gate (to keep the dog from eating the cat’s food) but forgot to tell my son. A box was delivered with the words “BABY GATE” on it. I was running errands so he saw the box. I got a call from my horrified son asking “OMG NO Why do you need a BABY gate?”
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.
Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions
Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”
“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”
-psychopaths
Anyone get their invitation to the coronation yet?
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
*walks up to microphone during wedding reception*
*taps on mic; everyone smiles*
“Anyone that doesn’t want their cake, pass it to me please”
Friend: Do you know karate?
Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.
Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat
Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.
Interviewer: what did you bring to the table
Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-
Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk
Me: u mean my toad
Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
#MyExerciseRoutineInvolves carrying a grudge for 20 years
Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.