I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
You Might Also Like
GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this
surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*
Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.
Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!
Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.
Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
Warm pools make me nervous.
Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster
Therapist: go on
Me: oh so you’re taking her side now
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break
last night i was walking frankie and she started sniffing the air rly intently so i let her follow the trail cause i was like omg what if it’s a missing person?? we could save them!!! but no, it was a grilled cheese sandwich in a bush 😔
Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition
Me: oh no
Doctor: and then you were in an accident
[Eating wings]
Pilot: This is a bad idea
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.
baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy
Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??
Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
Me: I think that’s Dave
Wife: It’s not Dave
Me: Gonna wave to him
Wife: Don’t!
Me: Hey Dave!
Auctioneer: New bidder at $80,000
Me: It’s not Dave
It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.
“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
I have the same effect at nude beaches that sharks do at family beaches.
GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!
Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.
Me: It’s America’s birthday!
Kid: Like Brave?
Me: Yes! Home of the brave. So smart!
Kid: I like her orange hair.
Me: …ok let’s start over.