I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
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1st base: sex
2nd base: not wearing makeup
3rd base: calling each other
home run: discussing your mental health issues and past traumas
Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!
The conversation w customer service has essentially been
“Hey yall said i violated the terms of service but i genuinely dont know what i did”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Aight but whatd i do”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Elaborate tho??”
*crickets*
My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.
It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
18 is TOO young to get married!
You can’t even buy booze at 18!
If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
i thought lingerie was a type of noodle
I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*
*checks mirror*
Is it working yet?
Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.
Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
ME: wow look at all these hotties
FIREFIGHTER: *rescuing a sixth person from a burning building* stop calling them that
Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.
I’m so sorry
A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.
When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.
The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.
Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.
[class trip]
I’m farmer Joe, this is my farm
DO U HAVE COWS?
Yes, it’s a dairy farm
DO U HAVE WHALES?
Kid, why wouldn’t we have whales?
[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS
*speed dating*
I’m a competitive eater!
Date: Are you any good?
[grabbing my suitcase, dumping 45 hotdogs on table] funny you should ask
Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.
“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”
My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.
Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray
Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
[sex]
GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out