It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary
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You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
This is the coolest video you will see today.
a god among men
[being haunted]
Me: *tries to text ghostbusters*
Ghost: actually you have to call them, they’re pretty specific about that
Me:
Ghost:
Me: you know what being haunted is fine
I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.
[first day as a mover]
boss: ok the items in these boxes are super fragile, treat them like your own kids.
me: got it boss *walks over to boxes* LISTEN HERE IF YOU DON’T CUT THIS SHIT OUT YOU AREN’T GOING TO NANA’S
Me: Uh oh there’s my ex girlfriend. Quick, will you hold my hand so I can make her jealous?
Great grandma: No.
*checks real estate listings on other planets*
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
My grandma got her bathroom redone with this sparkly gold-specked tile and she just called it her “golden shower” so goodnight.
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
Magician: Abracadabra!
[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]
Husband (stands up): YES! …I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*
doctor: what is it?
me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?
doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t
“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
“Girl, same.”
– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.
Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!
6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?
Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’
Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys
ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys
Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”
“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
Kid: *spills cereal all over the floor*
My husband: Can you grab the vacuum cleaner?
Me: Sure *whistles for the dog*
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by
“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”
Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.