My five-year old grandson responded, “Not again!” when I asked if he’d like chicken nuggets, because a year ago we had chicken nuggets.
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The older you get the only functions you attend are bodily..
i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!
8 has had his harmonica for barely a week and is already recording tutorials for his ‘fans’ so if anyone would like a class on how to sound like a cat choking on another cat hit me up
Wife: “Sorry, but my OBGYN said no sex for six weeks after childbirth.”
Me: “Oh, ok. What about…”
Wife: “My dentist said six weeks too.”
Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
When I play the kazoo, I play to win
Why is vanilla a synonym for boring? Vanilla is delicious. Imagine a world without vanilla. It would be so oregano.
Teens – Slay all day
20s – Rosé all day
30s – Bidet all day
40s – Bengay all day
grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-
*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*
grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me
here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.
Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.
Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?
Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.
What’s the most ridiculous demand a customer has made of you? I’ll go first: when I was working retail, a woman once demanded I pick her up from her Botox appointment with my car & bring her to the mall to shop
*reads your mind*
*decides to wait for the movie*
[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*
Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob
Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
calling a guy “my ex”
-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriendcalling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”
-true
-but makes me look pathetic
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
That feeling when he says you look angelic but you don’t know if he means you look really pretty or if you have an abnormally high number of eyeballs.
I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”
My wife: I know it’s cold but I want to go for a walk
Me: *takes wife’s hand in mine* Be safe out there…I’ll watch the kids
Friend: I grew as a person
Me: Did you molt?
Friend: What?
Me: Is there a dried out slightly smaller husk of you in the basement?
Friend:
Me: Can I see it?