If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.
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Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
*Game Character Treatment Center*
Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here
Pac-Man: Binge eating
Lara Croft: Kleptomania
Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets
[restaurant]
me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*
One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72
Satan: Welcome to Hell.
Me: Dude! This is a tropical paradise! Bikini clad women. Alcohol as far as the eye can see.
Satan: I know, pretty sweet, right? Now, take this group of toddlers to the beach. For the day. All day. Everyday.
Me: Sonofa….
*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*
[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON
That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th
what I say: WE RIDE AT DAWN
what I mean: Let’s meet at noonish for brunch and a nature walk
Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
Nigella has gone too far this time.
Spider-Man, but set in rural Norfolk so he just has to walk everywhere.
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.
– me flirting
How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert
[rollercoaster]
HER: weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
ME [selfish]: iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
Me [camping]:
We’re out of wood, so I’m going to go chop some more after my hike.Me [at home]:
I would change the channel, but the remote is 2.7 millimeters out of reach.
[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”
In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.
Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.
Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.
Body: Ten more minutes then.
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.