my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.
Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”
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I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.
At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.
*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*
waiter: what would you like?
me: maybe the steak
waiter: and what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have the steak too
I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.
“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island
I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.
This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?
Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.
*stubs toe
*puts $100 in the swear jar
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
LOCAL BOTS ARE SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE HOT LOCAL SINGLES AND WANT YOU TO ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE; LINES OF CODE AND NOTHING MORE
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.
[job interview]
“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”
Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?
It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”
[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry
*walks into business conference*
*everyone stares and gasps because I have a hotel coffee cup instead of Starbucks*
*one lady starts crying and gives me her cup*
I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”
Fidel Castro was alive?
Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah
“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*
The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.
…żyje?
[god creating dolphins]
Peter: why is he smiling?
God: cos, Pete, I’ve given him an asshole on top of his head
Peter: ah. Nice
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.
I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.
The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.
Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.