There’s nothing my kid can’t do. Except anything I tell him.
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I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?
“love means never having to say you’re sorry”
“that is not what love means”
“sorry”
App: This app would like to use your location.
Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!
I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
Today’s meltdown brought to you by me, who wouldn’t let 4 ride his bike unless he put on underwear, at a minimum
And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”
20s: I want to see the world!
40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.
Couldn’t finish the London Marathon. Gutted. Tried my absolute best. Just too tired. Maybe I’ll manage it next year.
Have put a film on instead.
My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
18 years old: let’s eat pizza at 1am and feel amazing
40 years old: I ate a chicken sandwich at 9pm and had heartburn for two days
If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake
I’m not stressed
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
A Brit accepting a compliment:
“I like your coat”
“What? This old rag? Don’t be silly. It cost 2p. I’ve had it ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s a load of tat. Thank you, though!”
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
Terribly Tuesday.
The best shot in the history of golf
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say “vest day ever” like a million times. Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn’t as invested as they were.
A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
A water balloon fight but the balloons are filled with meaty chili
Those are not the screams of an animal caught in a bear trap, they’re the bleatings of a dog banished to the back yard and rendering her unable to run assist with the repairman.
When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you’re not on a date with him, you’re spending the night in jail.
I know this now.
Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?
U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg
Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good