People say “Home is where the heart is”.
Actually though, the heart is between the lungs in the middle of the chest, behind and slightly to the left of the sternum.
Idiots.
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My 5-year-old talks to me about our solar system like I have no idea it exists, “do you know about the sun? It’s a star.” Yeah I know. I was the one that told you about it.
she has a smile full of sesame seeds
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
Carl: Gonna be a hot one today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions.
Me: Fair enough, Carl.
[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah
Just saw a tiktok of a family introducing their newborn to their cat and after it smelled the baby it went to another room and threw up LMFAO
The transition from Lego kid to Nerf kid provides a lot of relief to parents’ feet.
You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”
At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.
This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.
Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*
[outside of bank]
Guy (puts on pantyhose mask): Ok!
Guy 2 (puts on mask): Ready!
Me (wearing pantyhose): Ok, I’m gonna need a minute.
Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.
*burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work
The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.
Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”
on paper i am not against my neighbour playing piano all the time but it would be very nice if they played anything other than the pirates of the caribbean theme
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
[restaurant]
WAITER: are you ready to order
DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew
WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it
DAD:
WAITER:
DAD: i’ll have the chicken
[Google Search History]
1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.
never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number
ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]
WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
Sometimes I think about when my 2 friends asked me to play the board game “Risk.” They were both smart & ultracompetitive, & focused on annihilating each other. Nonstop trash talk. They forgot I was playing until suddenly they realized I had taken over the world & won the game.