BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner.
The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.
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Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”
take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.
I’m piloting an SR-71, capable of flying speeds above Mach 3. 85,000 feet above earth, my shadow passes directly over a small town in rural Kansas where there is only one Dairy Queen and one McDonald’s—
My phone: WOULD YOU LIKE CONNECT TO MCDONALD’S WI-FI???
My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.
deleting my dating apps and meeting people the old fashion way (3+ years of a sexually tense friendship that devolves into weird cat and mouse games until one of us has to start seeing a psychiatrist)
interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
me: i’m a slow learner
interviewer: well…that’s not good
me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to
*pronounces patio like ratio
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends
My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
This is Damn delicious!😋😋😋
Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
SURGEON: hold on, i just need to YouTube this part of the procedure
PHONE: *unskippable ad plays*
NURSE: he’s dyin
SURGEON: ah crap, hold on
“If decorative towels can be a thing then decorative grills can be a thing”
~Me buying a cool looking copper charcoal grill that I don’t really need.
I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.
[alligator store]
Clerk: $1500. Thanks
Me: not gonna say bye to him?
Clerk: uh
Me: say it
Clerk: goodbye
Me: say “see you later alligator”
Am I flattered when a man hits on me? Yes, but I also saw that same man whispering sweet nothings to a piece of pecan pie the other day, so not too flattered.
It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”
me: “yea”
[date]
ME: ur jacket goes well with ur purse
HER: *sits down* see it’s not hard to be complimentary
ME: u mean complementary
HER: *gets up*
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
[meeting]
DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI
PRODUCER: Yes!
D: A huge cast
P: Agreed!
D: Realistic family photos
P: We don’t have the budget
Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date
But also the kind of friend that will make it say:
“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”
[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school
[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!