My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
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DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord
DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?
DV: fire!
[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]
Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm
Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.
Watermelon Boss!
There’s a guy in this Taco Bell bathroom stall so loud I’m not sure if it’s performance art or a solstice goat sacrifice.
You know when people wear 2 t-shirts at once and they look trendy and it looks really good on them well when I do it people are like “hey did you know you’re wearing two shirts”
Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no
Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.
Him: “Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?” Me: “no.” Him: “well, what kind of chips would you prefer?”
“Let’s do 5 sets of squats & then try lifting for an hour. It looks like you got out of shape after your dad died” ~ Really personal trainer
White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”
I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.
“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”
-my cat
I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.
Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days
I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”
Dr. Dog: Would you be willing to donate your organs?
Patient: Yes.
Dr. Dog: And your bones?
Patient: My bones? Why?
Dr. Dog: (Drools) Just answer the question.
Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?
Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
My toddler won’t go to sleep so I gave her a big kiss and told her that I love her very much but a little less after 9pm. She thought this was hilarious and is currently in her room cracking up, while I’m sitting here wondering how much her therapy bills are gonna be
TWO hops this time?
In this economy?
Beast: I’ll be like this until someone loves me for who I am
Ugly girl: I’ll love you for who you are
Beast: not you, someone attractive. So I really learn my lesson
My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
Me: We should get a bigger car.
Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?
Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.