Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.
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Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh
I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside
The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?
Me blowing on the coffee in my ‘Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist’ mug: which school do they go to?
It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money
My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.
waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for
INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
25 Relationship Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore:
1. Inexplicably, his house is full of flags.
2. This is serious, why so many?
3. You need to get that first one sorted
out before we move on.
Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression
People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face
*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
7yr old: I’m going to set a world record for walking in circles around this chair. “Alexa, set a time for 90 minutes.”
Me: Do you realize that’s an hour and a half?
7: Oh, “Alexa, set a timer for 5 minutes.”
Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.
McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order
911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND
[helping son with math]
Me: Problem one…(reading)…ok…(reads #2)…(reads #3)…(keeps reading)…ask your teacher for help tomorrow
My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip
Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?
I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.
Imagine dating, falling in love, getting married, having kids, and only then realizing that the person you chose is literally incapable of whispering
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys
“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice