You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check
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“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
Me: After all these years, I feel like all you offer me is false support
Limb technician:…well it’s kinda my job Greg, otherwise you’d be hopping home.
I brought a road drink with me while supervising my son’s learner driving. Unless that’s illegal, in which case, I did not & mind ya business
I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?
Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?
Cop:Lol, nevermind
Marriage is the leading cause of Irreconcilable Differences.
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
[fire alarm]
Hotel California manager: oh no
I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
that’s really how it is
[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100
10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.
ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg
I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.
[just meeting a new group of people]
My brain: say something cool and different
Me: HOW YA’LL GOT??
Brain: nice
British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.
DOG DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: Please assume the correct position for operating a vehicle.
DOG STUDENT: *sticks head out window*
DDI: Excellent.
[first day of ninja school]
“Okay, I can see all of you. Not a good start. Larry, you’re actually carrying a lit torch. Let’s try this again.”
The devil.
The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.
Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?
No?
I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel
My kid took out the trash without being asked so imagine my surprise moments later when he asked if he could spend $10 bucks on a video game.