[Me using a ouija board]
-Where are you communicating from?
T A S M A N I A
-Oh shit we called the wrong devils
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We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!
6YR OLD: what are we having?
ME: you’ll like it! trust me!
6: I ain’t falling for that shit again
Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978
The wife is out of town so you know what that means. That’s right, unsupervised eating.
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.
My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
My 5yo got a watch for Christmas and now she’s announcing the time every single minute. Please respect our privacy during this difficult time.
Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.
Dear parents,
Just because your kid is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean that they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. But it could mean that they just downloaded a demon from an occult website. Talk to your kids about the dangers of summoning demons through their phones.
How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
Me: Do you grow crops on your farm?
Farmer: Barley.
Me: Well, keep working at it! You’ll get better!
I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.
I. FORGOT.
I. FORGOT.
Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.
When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.
WIFE: It’s always best to overdress on your 1st day of work
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: You wanted to see me?
BOSS: It’s about your suit of armor
My dentist said I need to cut back on blows to the face
I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.
Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time
Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.