houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…
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I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.
Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name
[hotel room]
Her: why are you making the bed
Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen
So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”
Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.
*pretends floor is lava*
*looks around*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*
Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.
One of the moms at school pickup always yells “hi, chicken nugget” to her kid, and that’s a level of parental embarrassment I can only aspire to
How’d you come up with the idea?
Inventor of pac man: I took a bunch of pills one night and ate a ghost. I thought “now here’s something”
WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him
ME: ok
[drives to hospital]
ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.
Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.
I don’t know if this would be classified as “unethical” but I have filled my neighbour’s eavestroughs with birdseed.
Clownfish: Why the long face, Bob?
Seahorse: If you make a Sarah Jessica Parker joke, I swear to Triton…
I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.
Her: My God…yours is huge!
Me: It’s the biggest gift card Sizzler sells, baby.
*slow wink*
if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
What was the point in making your car louder, bro?
Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?
Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.
ME: alas why must i suffer the cabbages of time
HER: you mean ‘ravages’?
ME: *eating expired coleslaw* you heard me
The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
Publisher: I’m just having a hard time caring about what happens to the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
Publisher: If you kill her off and have the story focus on her love interest, people might actually read it. He seems great
Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.
Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.
At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.
Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me
Well, sure, if I was a 22 year old hottie I’d tweet sexy stuff, but I’m a 47 year old married woman with 5 kids. I tweet despair.