I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
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no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them
I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna
For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher
I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it
Crush: what are u doing
Me: laying in bed listening to music
Crush: nice what kind
Me: it’s memory foam
Crush: no like who’s your favorite artist
Me: Picasso
Me: What are you doing?
4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.
“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.
Here’s an interesting graph about WhatsApp usage during the Franco-Prussian War
I’m so glad that I got my big grocery shopping trip out of the way on Sunday. Now I only have to stop at the store 750 times during the week.
Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshakeExterminator: there’s your problem
My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option
My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good
My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.
My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.
Autocorrect completely socks
Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions
Therapist: I think you’re regressing
Me: *screams* am i?
I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so
When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.
Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!
Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before