If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
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Having a crush is weird bc one minute you’re a normal person and then out of nowhere you’re like damn I wanna bake that boy a pie
Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.
observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
Me in 2022: when will my child talk
My child in 2024: WELL MOMMY DO YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT I AM FINKING NOW? I AM FINKING ABOUT MR. WOGERS WENT TO THE ZOO AND SAW A PANDA. IT IS DARK. MOMMY WE SHOULD GET A WANTERN FOR OUR PORCH. AND A VERY SHORT STORY IS ONCE UPON A TIME THE END
*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no
That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign
[in the driveway]
It’s not sporty, but it looks efficient. How many miles per gallon do you get in this bad boy?
Pizza delivery boy (getting out of his Prius): …wuh?
My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014
My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.
I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.
Netflix and you sit over there.
A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.
Thuggalations: 17:28
Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!
When I saw Oprah interview Michelle Obama, Oprah asked how Michelle got over feeling intimidated sitting at big tables filled with smart, powerful men and Michelle said, “You realize pretty quickly that a lot of them aren’t that smart.” I think about that quote every single day.
“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.
My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.
It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.
Yeah, I’ll go with that.
my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience
Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”
Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.
7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don’t need to. I already saw her today.
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.