People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
You Might Also Like
All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.
OK…so naked running…
Apparently this means running without GPS, music, and any other tech.
I wish I knew this an hour ago.
Oh, and send bail money.
my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.
Me: What should we grow?
4-year-old: Tomatoes!
[1 week later]
Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!
4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?
A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.
I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.
Sesame Street: this is an educational show
Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that
Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one
My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
“Very colorful, fun. I’d put it in my mouth”
“A bit scary, seems sharp. Still, I’d put it in my mouth”
-Baby reviews of stuff on the floor
Legit call from the school:
Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report
Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.
If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
I’d walk over cotton balls for you
Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?
ME: scalpel
NURSE: scalpel
M: sclissors
N: scissors
M: neeble
N: are u sure u should operate on ur own brain
M: *nods head diagonally* toast
fired
the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
Star Trek almost inventing the cellphone
ST Writer: Why would he give up his communicator when he was back on the ship? Why wouldn’t he keep it all the time so he could talk to anyone from anywhere at any time?
ST Head Writer: That’s just stupid.
Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.
ME: (dead silent)
ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.
The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace
McDonald’s cashier: No
oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???
My daughter asked me if the tooth fairy would only give money for *her* teeth and I’m a little concerned
Me: OK Fine. 𝑰’𝑳𝑳 cook the turkey this time for the Holiday.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Who wants burnt meat and who wants raw meat?
So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.