When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
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I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.
“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
me: hole in the wall places are often the best places to eat
mcdonalds manager: [just stares at me as the tow truck pulls my car out of the side of his building]
me: so really i did you guys a favor
Instead of calling him a paleontologist, I used to call Ross from Friends a fossil fool lol I was such a hoot in the 90s.
Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism
me: I guess I don’t have a choice
professor: great job
me: what
If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.
1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”
STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.
Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
*at the red lobster*
me: i will have the red lobster
waiter: okay
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
I hate my job. The work sucks. The people suck. The pay sucks.
*looks up and sees motivational poster on wall*
Well this changes everything
Top Six Uses Of Strategic Planning:
6. Politics
5. Sports
4. Investing
3. Business
2. Military
1. Returning home from guys/girls night out
I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?
*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*
Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.
New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>
Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.
Flight Attendant: “Here is the extra blanket you asked for.”
Me: “Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy’s mouth?”
I have a new favorite conspiracy theory
“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.
7: Mommy look!
Me: Ok
7: Look at me!
Me: I’m looking
7: Look!
Me: I AM!
7: Why aren’t you looking?!
Me: OMG I’m looking! I’m staring right at you!
7: Wow. You’ve got a temper
Me:
7: And staring is rude
Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.