When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.
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I’m feeling weak. I’ve got chills. With Valentine’s Day so close, love is in the air. So is the flu though. I sure hope it’s the flu.
I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”
6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?
Me: um…
6: when plants die can they be ghosts?
Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.
in scotland, it’s illegal to be drunk and in possession of a cow. i just want to know how many times this happened before the government had to put their foot down
just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again
It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.
[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?
It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.
Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?
God: Yes.
Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?
God: Horizontal Pupils
Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*
God: YouTube is gonna love you.
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.
LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.
If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”
if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad
🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶
Me: If something tragic happens it’s a tragedy, so if something magic happens it’s a “magedy”
Websters: Sir, you have to stop calling
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?
therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy
When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.
I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.
ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!
JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.
ME: Again, with the judging.
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
Woke up to my 8 year old daughter in bed instead of my wife and for a split second, I thought my wife got Benjamin Button-ed.
If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean