I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
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cutie flirting w/ me: “Excuse me, how much does a polar bear weigh?” 😉
me, trying to be helpful: “An average male polar bear weighs up to 1,500lbs!”
cutie: “…’enough to break the ice’?”
me: “Haha I hope not, but climate change is having disastrous effects on their habitat!”
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16
I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.
Genie: I grant you three wishes.
Bob: I want to be rich.
Genie: Granted.
Rich: I want a lot of money.
Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.
The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.
The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.
The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.
I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.
Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv
Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.
I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
“There are way too many people in there.”
~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo
[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*
I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
*TRAFFIC GOING 60 MPH IN A 65 BECAUSE A COP IS DRIVING 60*
ME (passing the cop at 61 and not breathing at all): I feel alive.
Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”
GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big
[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilosME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear
I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.
Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack
Look, woman, I’ll do laundry when I’m out of clean clothes. *puts on skirt* I didn’t say whose clothes.
[in the car with the wife]
*I take both hands off the wheel*
Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.
I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.
no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.