*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
You Might Also Like
The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.
Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop
Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there
The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they are on tiptoes, in which case they are unherd.
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
ME (wakes up from coma): whatve I missed
WIFE: Trump’s running for prez & the Cubs are favs to win the World Series
M: haha ok but srsly tho
Me: i need a copy of this key.
hardware store employee: it says do not duplicate.
me: yeah you don’t have to copy that part.
FBI PROFILER, LOOKING AT PHOTOS OF MY HOUSE: White male, mid-30s, doesn’t have a lot of friends or close associations, probably read a lot about serial killers as a kid, eats a lot of bullshit food, no real skills
ME: I’m right here
FBI PROFILER: Talks like an idiot
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?
Dance like your kid isn’t secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.
[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…
Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you
“The old lady I see in the park every day has had her house raided.”
“Sniffer dogs?”
“No, I usually just say good morning to her”.
My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.
2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.
Person: “I can’t believe I’ve been sitting for two hours.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Amateur.”
Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.
I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.
Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”
I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.
Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…
Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.
There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode
Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?
*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*
Rattle snake
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.
what scared me at age 8:
-quicksand
-snakes
-boat scene from willy wonkawhat scares me now:
-dying alone
-boat scene from willy wonka
*yells from space*
Did you kill that spider?!