Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
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Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.
Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.
Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.
Who called it the U.S. Dairy Council and not the Butter Business Bureau?
Pizza Hut Employee: I’m sorry but we don’t deliver bog grass. I’m not even sure what that is.
Moose: [incoherent bellowing]
I am all good here, 😂😉
That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.
Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!
Huh. You look upset.
My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes
My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.
1 mojito, 2 mojitos, 3 mojittos, 4 mojjitus, 5 mogytus, 6 mujhitosos, 7 mojhgbvftos, 8 modfgtrescos
are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies
HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.
10yo: I’m confused. The paper says “20s theme.” But this is the 20s. So we dress like we do everyday?
Me:
Me:
Me: That’s exactly what it means.
Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.
Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B
Me: Hell ya I do
If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
Them: how are you?
Me: anxiety riddled and cute as a button… but like, a button that’s been at the bottom of a sewing bag since your grandma was in home ec
The cast of Big Brother in Germany doesn’t know about covid-19 and they’re gonna tell them in a live TV special. I have to learn German by tomorrow.
[Driving by a massive pile up]
SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.
ME: It’s a collidascope.
SON:
WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.
Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
It’s so unfair how the houses on HGTV get remodeled in 30-60 minutes, but my house is taking 2-3 months.
Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!
[oval office]
SECRETARY: (shrieks) there’s a dead rat on my desk!
PRESIDENT WHO IS A CAT: wow someone must really like you *winks*
You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.