My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.
You Might Also Like
The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.
A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job
I just overheard some passing 8-year-old announce that after only two days of school he has already found a girlfriend, and now I have to unpack the fact that I don’t date at even a third-grade level.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water
Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.
Gmail told me my password wasn’t secure enough but I couldn’t remember it to change it.
How is it not secure enough if I made it and still can’t crack it??
[in hell]
Me: omg is that melted cheese
Satan: no it’s lav-
Me: *already waist deep* ope real hot
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:
-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
[Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where’d it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help
FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.
Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket
one of my favorite Halloween memories was trick or treating and a very stoned dude in his 20’s opened the door and was like “oh man I forgot it was today. Let me see if I have anything for you” and then I hear him going through his pantry and he goes “do you like soup”
Ladies with “finger in their mouth” avis, what’s on your finger? Cake batter? Is it cake batter? Can I have some?
I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”
Hey IKEA,
Marriage Therapists and Divorce Lawyers on site in your stores, you’d make a killing.
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.