“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy
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You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who aren’t getting that parking space. Hang on.
friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back
me: oh wow me too
[meanwhile]
Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7
I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.
You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.
this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*
Link: [plays ‘Song of Time’]
Zelda: No no that’s all wrong! There’s no E in that melody.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Tim’]
therapists do NOT have all the answers. like sometimes a client will be telling me something really difficult and be like “what do I do????” and in my head I’m like oh man, i don’t know……you should really see a therapist about that
When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you’re not on a date with him, you’re spending the night in jail.
I know this now.
[house hunting]
Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy
HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on
Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.
Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts
I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.
Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.
Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…
2015: cake by the ocean
2020: the ocean is cake
DA: Where r my legal briefs?
Paralegal *hands him his boxers*
Judge: lol
Jury: We’re hung
Judge: ha!
DA: Balls in your court
Judge: DO MORE!
gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start
SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?
*starts the dishwasher*
*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*
you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely
“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math
“Can you explain this gap in your resume?”
Me: [sitting on a toadstool, blowing smoke rings] whooooo areeeee youuuuuu
How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!
if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger
Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved
A Jehovah’s Witness followed me.
I think I’ll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes…
Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”
my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience
if anyone starts quoting the bible to you, a funny thing to yell is “NO SPOILERS I HAVEN’T READ IT YET”