I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
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me: sacked? why?
boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name
me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
[after sex]
Her: *lights up smoke*
Me: *unwraps toothpick*
“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
Guys? How do you spell ‘in your window’? Like when someone is flirting inappropriately and is making sexual in your window?
*pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am*
WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!
I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.
Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?
WIFE: Why do you waste money on useless things?
ME: [scraping the S and H off the side of my new School Bus] Maybe useless to you Sharon
You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.
I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
Emails now be like: I hope you are staying safe, sheltered in place, stocked with toilet paper, and healthy during these absolutely unprecedented, wild, chaotic, terrifying times. Just wanted to follow up-
A 41 year old gymnast is competing in her 7th Olympics. I just texted my son and offered him $5 to come downstairs and hand me the remote.
King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*
KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.
Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…
Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.
I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.
Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*