I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
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[immortal aliens studying us]
After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
“they arent wearing seatbelts” – my mom watching a car chase scene in any action movie
Top 5 forms of torture
5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro
[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this
Wife [returns home] have you eaten
Me: have you eatenWife: are you copying me?!
Me: are you copying meWife: I Love You
Me: I already ate
Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!
birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here
“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
[pizza delivery]
Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*
uh HELL YEAH!
*pulls out phone*
see that RT button?
Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.
Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.
LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡
What about second breakfast?
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave
I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.
Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?
Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date
Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime
U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything
Top 3 screwdrivers:
1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment
If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.
After a blazing row with the girlfriend, we agreed there’d be makeup sex on date night, but I turned up in full Joker face paint and am now single again.
I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.
I got mad at a rock today.
I chopped it in half with my lightsaber.
Now there are two rocks.
Send help. Now.
I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”
I hope that when I die I’ll say something cool like, “I’m splitsville, baby! Gone-zo!” instead of something stupid like “AAURGH”
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.