I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
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Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot
Friend: check out my conscience shell
Me: you mean conch? *holds up to ear*
Shell: you saw those kids get in that van and you did nothing
I ordered a hamburger today, but what I got was more of a beef wafer.
I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.
Thelma and Louise driving off a cliff, but it’s just me holding my friend’s hand until the scary part of the car wash is over
Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?
She was making her kids marsoupial.
Jury duty would be a lot more popular if they gave everyone a turn with the gavel
*Interrogation Room*
Detective: We know you took the teeth and the dental records.
….
Detective: Look, I’m just trying to do my job here.
Tooth Fairy: So am I!
Young man cashier: Ma’am, if you don’t mind me saying, you have really beautiful eyes.
What I heard: Ma’am
went to this place once that claims it’s a brewery that doesn’t brew any of the beer it serves and the bartender was like “yep we are the first of our kind” & i didn’t have the heart to tell him that he opened up a bar, that’s a bar, bro
Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.
[restaurant]
ME: Do you have updog?
WAITER: [sighs] No sir
M: Ok, is this gluten free?
W: No you have to pay for it
M: Damn you’re good
ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.
The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?
I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.
Watching Moana (for the 869th time)*
Me: oh no, who’s going to help Moana?
3: *really angry” not anybody!! she can do all the things by herself
Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you
Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
him : can you name the shapes?
me : sure. Sue the square, Trevor the triangle, Richard the rhombus, Harry the-
him : no I didn’t mea-
me : …Harry the hexagon
him: will you just st-
me : Dave the dodecahedron
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
I tell my toddler to “ask nicely” and instead of saying please he whispers his demands and I’m not even sure that he’s wrong
“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead
At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.