I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat
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“Bro I hate my eyebrows”
“You serious bro?”
“I think they’re too big, bro”
“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”
“Bro :’)”
I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
[First day at Amazon]
me: *throws a single toothbrush into a tv-sized box*
manager: wow this guy’s a natural lol
Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?
Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?
God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.
Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.
when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”
[walking into Sephora]
me: I love how it smells in here! If I ever find a man who smells like this, I’m going to lock him in the basement forever.
my husband: I’m right here you know
So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?
Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you
The old lady ringing me up at the store got frustrated w/ the barcode on my cheese not working so she just gave it to me for free…she is now sole beneficiary of my Will
Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.
(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace
It’s like grandpa always used to say, “even though granny washed them, I could always tell which underwear I wore on Taco Tuesday.”
Time for me to sign up for the hallmark channel for the next two months.
there are a lot of white women in fur-lined parkas that I need to watch fall in love
My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.
‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
My favorite part of having a German shepherd has to be when folks meet her, and she sniffs their pockets, I can say stuff like: ‘I hope you don’t have any drugs on you…’ and watch the fear in their eyes while they try to remember the last time they had drugs in their pockets.
No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”
They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”
I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war
Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.
The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.
my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire
Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow
Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.
If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.