#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
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assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.
My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.
My girlfriend and I started dating after her car ran into mine.
We met by accident
If I’m guilty of anything it’s only of loving too much, insider trading, public indecency, treason, arson, jaywalking, piracy & cannibalism.
When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.
[forest]
ME: Gotta be quiet if we’re gonna catch Bigfoot
FRIEND: We want Bigfoot not Bigear!
ME: Haha
BIGEAR: [sobs quietly in the distance]
This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.
Also me: Oh shit that was today.
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.
Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.
Oops
[Sitting in your closet]
I’m completely over you.
Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.
[at Home Depot]
Cashier: That’ll be $25
Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it
Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
[interviewing to be a lifeguard]
me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶
interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?
*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”
pirate: shiver me timbers
me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*
Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.
Librarian: Nice try, pal.
The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.
You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.