[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]
That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.
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I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.
Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?
My 6yo carried our Google Home Mini around the house all day asking it question after question to the point where I found it locked in the bathroom crying with a glass of wine.
thank god the sign was there
At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”
I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.
Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole
Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool
Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2
I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.
My husband just walked into the living room and saw me chilling on the couch, then went back into his office… and suddenly I hear him telling his gaming friends “Hannah is begging me to go hang out with her, sorry guys I gotta go now”
I am my husband’s “my mom said no” 💀😂💀😂
If you Google “How do I stop receiving Pottery Barn catalogs?” the top result is a page with instructions for faking your own death.
“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.
no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers
Oh the world we live in…
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.
I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?
Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.
I fall in love too easily.
Wait..
It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
Once upon a time, a man poured himself a glass of red wine and sat down on his wife’s white couch that no one was allowed to eat or drink on…
you stereotypes are all alike
[shopping]
[wife being a real pain]
Me: *hands her the broom we just bought* You want me to carry this? Or do you want to drive it home?
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.
JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.