What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
Trump wouldn’t pay $1000 to have a lentil on his face.
#watersportsgate #goldenshower
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People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!
*genie appears*
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
ok!—wait what?
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS
Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!
The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie
I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot
Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
GIRLFRIEND: So tell me something I don’t already know about you.
ME: During October I call my Dyson ‘Count Vacula’
HER: I need to see other people.
If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.
*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*
[Medieval Europe]
Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.
Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!
Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.
“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”
My boyfriend was explaining to me how its nice to be with me as I’m so easy to keep happy. Enjoying the positive comments I asked him to elaborate, he says well all you need is to sleep well, eat lots and go for nice walks, to which I suddenly realised I am a golden retriever
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?
WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
Waiter: What kind of mustard, sir?
Me: French please
Garçon: Pardon, quelle sorte de moutarde, monsieur?
How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.
There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.
Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.
me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*
wife: that’s better.
me: *puts on formal hulk hands*
[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]
Me: ya know you can fly !
trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies
One of my favorite lies to tell myself is that a blueberry muffin is substantially more nutritious than a chocolate chip muffin.
Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.
I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?