Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
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I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”
-Trees
I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.
My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.
Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.
only baby boomers will get this:
*pension*
Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.
For several weeks my preschooler has begged to go to a farm to pick her own fruits and veggies. Last Sunday we planned a special day and made the hour drive to learn that what she really wanted was to wear overalls.
wtf management?!
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.
me: [gets on one knee]
GF: [gasps]
me: [reaches into pocket]
GF: OMG
me: [pulls phone out] don’t move there’s a Pokemon on your foot
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
alfred: you have emphysema
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman: oh
alfred:
batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir
Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*
Husband: How painful is childbirth?
Me: Imagine going to Hobby Lobby with me.
H: Okay?
Me: Then Home Goods.
H: Alright.
Me: Then Bed, Bath & Beyond, then Kohl’s, then Michaels, then JC Penney’s, then –
H: *in fetal position*
Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄
[Being murdered]
You’re on my hair
Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.
My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.
Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…
I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry