*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*
*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-
ope
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“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.
Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.
Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.
Newborn: *cries*
Me: *cries better*
Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on “Pitch Perfect” then hide the remote in the dishwasher.
Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.
Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important
My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.
We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.
We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.
That sums up parenting pretty well.
Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human
2014: maybe 2015 will be better
2015: maybe 2016 will be better
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.
My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”
I think nervous flatulence would be helpful if you were ever kidnapped
what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?
“felt cute might delete later lolz”
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.
Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues
Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?
Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please
Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
“Fine mom! If you’re not going to let me have cookies, I’m gonna go in my room!!”
{inaudible whisper}
no. please don’t go.
I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can’t find me drinking in the closet.
The guy sitting nearest to me on the plane is a wizard. He pulled birthday cake out of his backpack!!! A stingy wizard because he didn’t share, but still…
Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
Idk guys, life has never thrown me lemons.
Social anxiety, insomnia, mental breakdowns, drugs and eating disorders..
But never lemons.
*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*
getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”
My son told me he got me something “pretty expensive” for Christmas, and if it’s not a vacation home in Bora Bora I’m disowning him.