8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.
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They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”-Steve Harvey M.D.
This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.
Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.
My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer
Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted
STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.
“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this
I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.
her: this man needs medical help
me: let me through I’m a doctor
her: why are you opening his mouth?
me: no cavities
her: he’s having a heart attack
me: flosses regularly
her: do something
me: there’s nothing I can do his teeth are great
My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.
does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?
Nonwriters: How do you write a book?
Writers: Well, you write and delete a lot. Then spend three hours researching, and correct it. Next you doubt your grasp on the english language and rewrite it again
Nonwriters: Then you’re done?
Writers: Then you start the next paragraph
That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
Me: (throwing up in toilet)
6: (pulls my hair out of my face)
Me: *aw she cares about me*
6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?
On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.
Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday
Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you are looking for a great new way to relax, give “sitting” a try! I recently tried sitting and it’s the ideal solution for when you’re tired of standing up but not quite tired enough to lie down 👍