I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.
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I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”
Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”
2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged~ This is a running joke
For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.
I love Harry Porter. All of them. Glasses kid. The ginger one. Smart girl. Dolby. The scene when Dumbledort kills Voldermore. Quizzo matches
My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
socratic questions
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?
Rick Astley: *tearing up*
Me: oh no
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
2-year-old: *points to my belly* Baby!
Me: Yep, there’s a baby in there! Will you love it?
2: I eat it.
Well that escalated quickly.
My one year-old is going through a horrible tantrum phase, muttering gibberish and then screaming when things don’t go his way.
Basically, his spirit animal is Yosemite Sam.
*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge
I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying
me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby
them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby
me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster
14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me:
Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.
put my earbuds in so i wouldn’t have to talk with the man next to me on the plane and he asked if he could “borrow one so we could listen together”
I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.
Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.
me: do you want more breakfast
6: no im full i have a small tummy
me: ok that’s fine you can-
6: not like you, have a big tummy, huge, it’s so big, not like my small one yours is so giant-
me: I SAID you can go now thanks
When did we get a dog?
-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target
“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*
Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why