I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
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Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?
Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.
My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.
“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line
BOSS: I’m firing you.
ME: Thank heavens!
BOSS: Why else would I call you here?
ME: Thought I was losing my job *puts on helmet*
BOSS: Lol. No. *helps me into cannon* Who else would do this?
Dog: Stop staring at me. I don’t talk. Next time don’t take so many Sudafed.
Me: Wow, ok. Rewd.
*grabs my unicorn’s reins* Let’s go.
What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.
The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.
I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.
I think this was a scene from “The Birds”
“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.
No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.
There are two rules in life:
1. Never tell anyone everything.
If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.
got my gf a manicure for our anniversary
My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all
When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
“I’m Sorry”
And
“My Bad”Mean The Same Thing.
Unless You’re At A Funeral.
[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]
My cat: lol no
Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.
I stand incorrected.
Friend: oh my god there’s two of you
My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear
Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right
[tree falls in forest]
[doesnt make a sound]
GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—
TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh
My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.
I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores