Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?
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The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda’s dumb jokes, but he did know he didn’t want to be glue.
A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.
Shoutout to everyone who remembers the days before satnavs, when you’d go to visit someone on the outskirts of London and 4 hours later you’d pass Big Ben for the 2nd time while screaming
After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.
Last year my husband and I both gave each other NyQuil for Christmas. I’m just not sure we are going to be able to top the gift of sleep this year.
ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.
HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?
ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*
(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not
Wife: Will you rub my back?
Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night
Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.
-Houston, do you copy?
-Houston, do you copy?
-God damn it, Houston!
-God damn it, Houston!
god: you get to hang out with man and be his best friend
dog: cool
god: and you get to be man’s steed and travel with him far and wide
horse: nice
chicken: and what do i get to do?
god: uhhh
chicken: god what do i get to do
Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.
for some *ridiculous* reason the french love to translate movie titles from english to… english
here’s a thread with my all-time favorites, starting with “the hangover”
…i mean VERY BAD TRIP
My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.
my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.
[hanging out in my basement]
Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.
Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
Me: I’m in tears
Bored people on the internet: DO YOU KNOW HOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS TO PEOPLE WITH DRY EYE??
The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves
Name’s Bond. James Bond. *Drinks martini* Jame’s Bond. Names Bond. *drinks another martini* Bame’s Jond. *Drinks 1 more* THIS IS MY SONG WOO
help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
Katy Perry says that god spoke to her before the Super Bowl and said “you got this,” so it’s safe to say that god has crappy taste in music.
“Your call is important to us”
[67 minutes later]
“Your call is important to us”
[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵