So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”
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Just look at all these clinical brochures I got at the Doctor. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, unprotected sex…
Sounds like a fun night!
Wife: I think my husband is spying on me.
Friend: You’re probably overreacting.
Me: *dressed as a bartender* Can I get you ladies a drink?
A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.
wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?
I bet you 5390.24$ you can’t guess how much money I owe my parents.
chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna
Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
If wrestling is “fake” then explain this
Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.
Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation
We also rank first for quality of life
I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
me: i’m sorry your honor i only stole to get back my beloved childhood toy.
judge: [tearing up] that’s beautiful what was the toy.
me: [sniffling] a huge pile of money.
Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL
[Haunted House]
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone
INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?
ME: How do I access the WIFI?
INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job
ME: Is that all capital?
[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”
I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed
Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.
Biden: IMMA POINT AT’EM
Obama: Please just wave.
Biden:
Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.
superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts
me: this is relatable as hell
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple
If you wear cowboy clothes are you technically ranch dressing
If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.
family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
smartest karate player in the world