Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
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With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
[driving date home]
me: where do I drop you off?
her: here is fine
me: you live on the beach?
her: *walks into sea*
My 13yo son pays monthly for Snapchat+ so he can get a better Bitmoji and I would probably make fun of this if I hadn’t previously paid for Favstar
“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”
I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.
Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.
astronaut: we made it. we’re finally on mars
mission control: congratulations! now, the main reason for this trip: do you see any signs of-
astronaut: *sighs* no, no signs of candy bars
mission control: shit
My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.
co-worker: congratulations on getting engaged, do you have a date for the wedding?
me [an idiot]: yes my fiancee.
You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.
No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
“you can be a good parent and hide chocolate chip cookies from your kids” she whispers as she wipes crumbs off her chin and quietly closes the freezer door
Moaning faced neighbour has moved so we’ve finally got the balls back she refused to send back. Just the TWENTY THREE of them!!!
The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them
I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??
I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!
*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*
*first day as medical examiner*
Me: What killed him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?
Dr: Nope. Sagittarius
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her
Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
LADIES imagine this,
its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?
“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.