Jigsaw: I want to play a game
Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games
Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG
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The big book of baby names but for safe words
Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut
Me on my way to annoy my favorite person
I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.
I wish that I had the confidence of my 12 year old who is staring me down as he eats the last ice cream cone that I had hidden in the freezer.
Fake assault rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out should be called JK-47s
My teen: How do you not know how to play video games?
Also my teen: So all you have to do is press left, right, up, circle, triangle, square all while holding onto the upper left button.
BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.
Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.
The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.
When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.
“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.
May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence
Leonardo DiCaprisun
In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.
It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.
I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit
Pretty weird that a hamster I had for three months at the age of six plays such an important role in my adult life as a part of my online banking security protocol
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.
WIFE: *all sexy* You know, instead of going to the gym, we could…work out…in the bedroom
[Upstairs Later]
ME: *doing bicep curls with a weighted blanket* You were so right, babe.