The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
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Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.
My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?
Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable
A lady in a BMW pulled up to me on my bike to ask if it was hot out, and now my goal is to be so rich I can’t feel weather.
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
genie: you have three wishes
me: end the pandemic
genie: [snaps fingers] done
me: get me a good job
genie: there’s too many gaps in your work history
me: i wish to own a home
genie: dude come on
Just said “shitted feet” instead of fitted sheet in front of my my son and four of his friends.
If you need me, I’ll be in the closet
Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years
me: you want to lose your mind?
BM: yes
me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children
BM: right
me: ah, I see the difficulty
My six year old picked up a sweet potato fry and said, “Oh, I am going to eat these fries because I like all kinds of fries, even these disgusting ones!”
friend: you’re pregnant! do you know what you’re having?
wife: we think it’s-
me: snakes. we think it’s snakes
Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.
*slams a five on the counter*
“Bartender! Give me another!”
*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*
Best goalkeeper.. 😅
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
A closed mouth gathers no fries.
servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*
as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator
Doctor said I need to eat more salad.
People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.
[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?
Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.
Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.
no i don’t want to allow notifications from your online publication. no one HAS ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication and no one WILL ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication. weirdass
If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
I don’t mean to appear simple-minded but I don’t understand how snails made it to Noah’s Ark but unicorns didn’t.
I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”