If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.
Walgreens guy: You still need to leave
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I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
Lord give me coffee to change the things I can…and vodka to accept the things I cannot.
Amen!
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy!” Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!
I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret
Brother?
I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.
I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank
Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy
“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink
Mufasa: you have forgotten who you are, what is wrong with you?
Simba: you could have appeared any time to tell everyone you were murdered? wtf is wrong with YOU?
Mufasa: this isn’t about me, now go
f i g h t m y b r o t h e r *evaporates*
Average Guy: [writes her a song]
Girl: “Yeah, whatever.”Hot Guy: “Sup.”
Girl: “Oh my god, you’re so creative!”
Someday my kids are going to eat their own pizza crusts, and then I’ll have nothing for dinner.
Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
Wild falcons live to be about 13, so all the falcons in the wild today were born in the 21st century.
They’re millennial falcons.
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.
It’s all fun and games until somebody fails a drug test.
a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
I hate when people ask me what I meant by something. Listen, I have no idea. I’m as confused here as you are.
We’re both learning what I’m about to say at the exact same time.
[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*
Am I winning or losing at parenting if my 3yo says, “ooohhh chicken nuggets!” as I pull up to the security booth at a gated community?
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
When I used to drink, by this time on a weekend y’all would’ve already seen me mostly naked. Y’all should be especially thankful for my sobriety.