Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
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Me: I am so tired and sad all the time.
Brain: Have you tried eating a lot of pasta, like A LOT?
[22 minutes later]
Me: That didn’t help at all and now I feel sick
Brain: Hm weird. Try again in like half an hour.
The conversation w customer service has essentially been
“Hey yall said i violated the terms of service but i genuinely dont know what i did”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Aight but whatd i do”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Elaborate tho??”
*crickets*
#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.
Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.
[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!
Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
– me
I see that your IQ test came back negative.
First rule of brown girl club: Don’t wear pink & white striped shirts; you’ll look like Neopolitan ice cream.
I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.
[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]
A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.
“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.
Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
I asked my 4 yr old if he was excited to be in his Uncle’s wedding To which he responded “yeah and I can’t wait to be the ring bear I have been practicing” and then proceeded to get on all fours and growl loudly at me. No plans to correct his understanding of his role
Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred
Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
Last time I went to confession, the priest made me pause so he could open the urban dictionary on his phone.
I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“Was I speeding?”
“No. Because you have a pony tail.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Sir, you’re over 40.”
Here, have my marionette set.
“Cool. How much for it?”
Just take it
“For free? What’s the catch?”
No strings attached.
“You son of a bit..”
My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it
Liam Neeson stars as an evil owner of a haunted cemetery in a creepy new Halloween thriller. His catch phrase is “I have a particular set of skulls.”
[first day as a mechanic]
customer: can i get a quote?
me: give me liberty or give me death
customer: i meant for the truck
me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out
@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
*new parents*
Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.
Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!
[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?