Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk
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My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.
I once saw someone stare at the McDonald’s menu for 15 minutes before ordering just one cheeseburger with no cheese. So yes, I do believe there are still undecided voters
I used to have a friend who was trying to name her soon-to-be-born son, and she confided in me that the hardest part of pregnancy was not drinking. I suggested she name the kid “Chip,” like an AA chip, and I laughed and laughed. We’re not friends anymore
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
Me: Bed time
Hotel room: Good luck turning the lights off
Me: Easy. This one
Hotel: No. Bed light
Me: This one?
Hotel: Desk light
Me: This one?
Hotel: LOL You just turned on the curtain lights
Me: WTF? And that light in the wardrobe?
Hotel: 2400lux stadium lighting
Alarm: wake up
The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
Suffering from kleptomania?
You should take something.
Schrödinger’s Dumpster
Juror: we find the defendant guilty
Me: objection your honour! U already asked me if I was guilty & I told u I wasn’t
Judge: he has a point
When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.
That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.
May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”
Sometimes, when he’s really pissed me off, I like to log into his Netflix account and rate every romantic teen drama five stars.
Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
#BatmanvSuperman
Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat
DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.
Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?
“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
Frog: WAKE ME UP!
Snake: Wake me up inside!
If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”
Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
To err is human… To not know what err means is American.
I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney
I don’t realize how easily manipulated I am until I watch a nature documentary.
I’m rooting for whichever animal is in the title.
Sorry gazelles I know I just cheered for your survival 10 minutes ago but this is a new episode and David Attenborough tells me we like lions now.