I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
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All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
Dirty cop: yeah I’m in with the scum, but I held my nose and now I’m rolling in it
Clean cop: good god Harold, go take a shower
I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.
whoever designed giraffes was extremely high
Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.
[Independence Day – 2017]
ALIEN {auto-translated}: We. are. taking. over. the. leadership. of. your. country. Do. not. r—
WILL SMITH: Fine
When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.
Me: i’m so hungover.
Wife: what do you need?
Me: *groans* some hair of the dog.
Wife: *empties vacuum bag on me*
People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.
She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.
I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.
3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.
Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.
whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person
Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.
Sam: No one else is here.
Sam: You’re here.
Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!
Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!
I’ve started my new diet by putting a salad in front of the beer.
Thus I have to move it to get a beer.
Because exercise is important too.
What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on
People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?
Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
H: Hey!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
H: WHAT?!?
M: Nothing.
Me:
Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy
don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die
My tinder profile says I’m looking for an
Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.
Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.
This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.
People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.
No YOUR a grammar nazi!
Teens will open a kitchen cabinet and act shocked that there are no bowls, like they don’t know that every bowl you own is in their room.