I saw an ad for a tree removal service with the line “We’ll come to you!” Great idea! So much more convenient than dragging my yard across town.
You Might Also Like
I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
Expecting Parents,
PLEASE
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.Sincerely,
Marlana
My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.
You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.
I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
Basically.
I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.
My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.
Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.
Relationship stress can make you very confused!
Could you believe me , I entered a taxi today and forgot to sit down ?
Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history
Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”
I just overheard my son say to his friend, “Don’t worry, my mom will never notice.” So I had Alexa make an announcement that said, “Mom already knows!” just to mess with them.
The scariest moment in the world is when a 3yo looks at you and says CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUTH
Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
Negotiator: I need proof of life.
Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.
Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?
Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.
Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall
If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
Dracula’s wife: You’ve got a little smudge on your chin.
Dracula: Vhere? Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a little to the left.
Dracula: Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a bit to the right. You know what? Just go look in the mi..
Dracula: LOOK INTO WHAT, MARTHA??
She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.
me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice
8yo asked y we had an analog clock on the wall but I didn’t know what analog meant so I panicked & told her time was an illusion
Looking at the huge commercial success of the ‘Barbie’ movie means I’m already bracing myself for the inevitable ‘Mr. Clean’ movie starring Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson.
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”