corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn
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WIFE: Let’s role-play
ME: OK
W: U be a teacher
*I get up & leave*
W: Where u going?
M: Do u have ANY idea how much paperwork I’ve got to do?
Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework
Me: -holds up yellow
Me: What color is this?
4: McDonalds
The end
My daughter has been rewatching Moana repeatedly, and there is a rooster named HeiHei.
I told my wife, “did you know Moana originally had 3 chicken characters? Besides HeiHei they also had YuYu and I-Don’t-Like-Your-Girlfriend….”
People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.
The family pet is getting old so we’re all pitching in and throwing the dog poop in the neighbors yard when she can’t make it over there.
Overheard in hair salon: “I have LITERALLY no shorts. Like I seriously have only 4 or 5 pairs of shorts.”
This is why I can’t stand people.
[Swedish massage]
masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*
Professor X: Being literal is not a superpower
Guy: But-
Wolverine: Look man, just take the L and leave
Guy: *Drives away*
Woverine: Oh no you didnt!
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
Hubs: Why can’t we use the good china?
Me: Because that’s for if the Queen comes to visit
Hubs: um…
Me: oh bugger!
“you look nervous” thanks i’ve been practicing my whole life
If you don’t have a panini press just heat up your corduroys and sit on your sandwich. Why do I have to solve all the hard problems
How dare you let common sense get in the way of my dreams. If I want to be a kangaroo astronaut who day drinks just let me be.
87.5% of marriage is just marriag.
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.
If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.
james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on
me: “what is a librarian’s favourite food?”
dog:
me: “SHUSHI lmao”
dog: [starts putting his toys in suitcase]
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies
The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
👃🏻: what are you wearing?
😋: Tide….WITH odor eliminator.
Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.
“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever