MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.
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I’m so used to sleeping on my right side that if I switch to my left, my insides feel like a room full of furniture trying to violently escape a haunted house.
I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband
may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning
“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk
*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
*opens Twitter*
Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”
My printer: Sorry, can’t print this out – I’m very low on magenta ink
Me: But I’m literally printing black text – there’s no red in it
My printer: Feed me magenta or you get nothing
Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.
[on a date]
me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?
him: CHECK PLEASE
Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?
Everything happening on Twitter now is a lot easier to understand if you‘ve ever had a younger sibling that invented a game and added a new rule every time they started losing.
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
I am so tired of living like it’s the 1600s. Can I afford eggs at the market? Are my friends gonna die in the plague? Puritans coming for my sinful lifestyle. I want some modern problems. Modern Problems
Wife: we argue a lot about money
Therapist: well that’s not uncommon among coupl-
Me: Andrew Jackson was a genocidal murderer and should be taken off the twenty dollar bill. I am not budging on this, Diane.
me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several
If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time
Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster
[first day as a paramedic]
How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?
I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?
I could have been a monk but I missed my chants
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.
I can never eat just one Christmas ornament
Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once
Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?
Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame
robber: empty the register, no funny business
joke store owner: oh no
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.